Friday Tunes

Day 13: A Song That is a Guilty Pleasure

2011: "Tight Pants Body Rolls" by Leslie Hall

What I said: "I protest the word 'guilty.' I'm not ashamed of absolutely loving this song. But since 95% of the rest of the world seems to not...."

2012: "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen

So I really do love this song. So much. It makes me happy. :D And this video? Shirtless dewd be SMOKIN. Also, the ending? I cracked up. His face! So glorious.

Friday Tunes

Day 12: A Song from a Band I Hate

2011: "I Gotta Feelin'" by The Black Eyed Peas

What I said: "I really don't like any of Black Eyed Peas' music. And it's funny - I liked most of Fergie's stuff when she went solo way back when. This song in particular drives me crazy. Probably because they played it so much on the radio when it came out."

2012: "Want U Back" by Cher Lloyd

UGH!

Title Here

So... I read (well, skimmed) a couple of articles written by Christian women about this new fad “mommy porn” that’s going on right now, what with 50 Shades of Grey and Magic Mike and all that good stuff. They discussed how Christian women should be above all that and it’s the downfall of America (or warning signs of the coming downfall), blah blah blah. Actually, I don’t know how drastic they made it out to be. Again - skimmed. They did say it was morally wrong and the fact that Christian women are accepting of it is bad news bears.

Side note: I read/heard somewhere that deja vu is just your brain firing twice when it receives input, so as it’s happening it also suddenly feels like a memory. Is this true? Yes, I just had a weird moment of deja vu as I typed “bad news bears”, why do you ask?

What I did read in both articles (blog posts, really), was the fact that Christian women are being hypocritical - “If you caught your man reading Playboy or watching Striptease you would be livid!” (That’s not a direct quote from either, but they both said very similar things.) And this is where I feel the need to respond. No, not on their actual blogs - one of them had nearly 1500 comments. I’m not about to jump in the middle of that mess. I’ll just post over here on my never-read blog and carry on with my life.

Whoa, off-topic. Focus - Playboy, Striptease - heh. What a weird sentence. Anyway. I just want to say I don’t get “livid” or “angry” or "<insert verb here>" when Mr. T looks at these things. He has a stack of Playboys in his closet that he brought home from work (yes, the shop has a subscription). If it has an interesting article or celebrity I’m interested in (once there was an interview with Russell Brand!!) he will even bring one home for me. lol!

Now I’ve been told numerous times that Mr. T and I have a very....unique....relationship. Speaking of 50 Shades - there are tons (tons!) of freaky, off putting, straight-up weird things those people do that I will not, but the one (one!) thing little-miss-kinky-heroin would not do with her BDSM partner was pee in front of him. **SPOILER** She almost dies, and is in the hospital - he carries her into the bathroom and she can’t pee until he walks out the door and turns his back. **END SPOILER** I mean, come on people! It’s not like you’re peeing on them. When you have a one-bathroom living situation sometimes people have to be in the bathroom at the same time. Pooing is another matter entirely. That is a very private experience. There are sounds and smells...things happen to you that no one ever need witness. But peeing is simple. Straightforward. Quick. Stop being babies and just do it. I also pee in the shower. It’s a liquid and is washed down the drain. One toilet flush is more water than some people see in a day, Wasteful American.

Whoops - off topic again. All I mean to say is that I’m okay with Mr. T looking at naked ladies. One of our favorite pastimes used to be picking out a terrible movie from Comcast OnDemand, usually a horror flick, and fast forwarding through it until we found nudity. Now that we have Netflix, HBO, and Showtime it’s easier to find TV we actually want to watch so we’re not reduced to such childish games. But still. It was valuable bonding time while we were dating/newly married. Even today I’m more likely to point out boobies than he is.

Maybe I’m a freak, I don’t know. I don’t really know the point of this entire post. Other than to voice my opinion on an article I’m not even going to link to, because I’m too scared to post my opinion on the actual article. I’ve already been called butthurt once in my life, I don’t need it again. Well, I doubt either of those nice ladies would say that. They would probably get sad and pray for me. My parents already do that enough, I’m afraid. I feel like too many Christians these days are busy weeping and gnashing teeth about every little thing. Stop pointing out all the terrible things that you perceive happening and love people. Be nice, and happy, and shine with yo’ Jesus light. You’ll get way more people to come to church with that. I feel like the only thing that matters is that you love Jesus. And also don’t kill people. Or at least love Jesus more than you kill, if you can quantify both in such a way you can compare them.

I need to stop now. I’m not making any sense anymore. Especially since I just typed “snwer” instead of “sense” just now. Bye, e’erbody!

"Diet" Day 2

If my blog posts has sub-headings, this one would read "The Saga of the Blender". Come, child - listen to my tale...

But first! Recap of last night post post. hehe... Anyway - wait...where did I leave off? Not sure. I was eating dinner, I guess. So I walked the dog. No. Dog walking came before dinner. So, the dog was walked and dinner was being eaten. Mr. T came home, and he, the Roommate, and I went on a loverly bike ride. I got scared by some black guys because I'm apparently racist, and we got chased by dogs because Roommate smells like steak...or something. I did all my crunches again! Haven't come up with any other exercises. I guess I could Google it, but I was counting on my crack-team of readers! *cricket, cricket*

Okay, so now for this morning. AKA, "The Saga of the Blender":

First of all, the only morning I've ever had to prepare a breakfast I slept through my alarm until 6:45 (supposed to leave at 7:00). So I knew I was gonna be late for work. Feed the animals, pee....mmmm...thankfully I had showered last night, so no need to freak out about that. I go to make my smoothie (10 frozen strawberries, 2 bananas, and then fill the blender half full with orange juice - makes two servings (Mr. T forgot his....)). Now, the sink is full of dishes. And they were disgusting. I'm thinking of typing up some sink rules:

1. NO CANS. Cans are not dishes - they are recycling and need to be taken outside.
2. NO FOOD. If there is food on your plate, dump it off somewhere, for the love of MOSES.
3. RINSE OUT YOUR CUP. Especially if it's MILK!!!!!!!
4. JUST WASH THE D*MN THING. It's probably only a plate. The soap's already in the scrubber. Just do it.

So I had to move everything out of the sink. It was disgusting. And I did not have time to wash the dishes. But the blender finally gets washed out and I add all the ingredients. And then I start blending (yes, I did remember to put the lid back on!!). I did forget the crucial "pulse" step, though. So I may have almost broken the blender. But I finally remembered that and got everything mostly chopped up (took forever!!). I was afraid I would wake someone up. I forgot who I live with...

I pour out my serving, and poor Mr. T one (did I mention he forgot his??). I rinse out the blender again and as I'm putting it back on the stand I notice some frozen strawberry had gotten stuck to the blades. Our blender is one of those that is also a food processor, so it has a million parts. So there's the base, the blade, the glass, and the little plastic thing that holds them all together. I knew all this, theoretically. But I've never used this blender in the two years we've owned it. So I forgot important things.

You have to twist it to get it off the base, but if you twist it too much you'll take the plastic holdy-together thing off. Well I twisted a little too much, so it came loose. But everything was still attached, mostly. I put some water in it to let it soak while I'm at work, and decide to screw it back into the base, because that's as good of a place as any. I guess I was twisting the wrong way? Not sure, but at any rate...definitely unscrewed the glass from the holdy-together-y thingy. Water. Everywhere. Oh, it was everywhere. Plus, the blender was still plugged in, so I'm thinking, you know, electrocution. So I unplug it quickly and try to dump the rest of the water in the sink. Well, since the crucial piece of the holding together-ness of the operation was no longer doing its job, when I went to pour the water out, the blades came out, too - into my hand. Thankfully there wasn't enough force to slice me, and I didn't freak out as much as I wanted to, or...blech.

So, anyway. That's my story. Huge mess, almost died. Just another Tuesday morning. And I got to work 20 minutes late.

As far as the dieting goes... I had the smoothie for breakfast; yogurt, a peach, and a plum for lunch; and chicken with peppers and onions for dinner - no seasoning, only enough oil to cook. Much tastier than my dinner yesterday, lol. But I bought way too much food. I'll be on this diet for three weeks - if the produce keeps that long. I think I bought everything like that was all I was going to eat all week, not like I would just make a meal or two out of it.

Anyway, I've walked the dog now, and eaten dinner (picture at the end, which is fast approaching). Mr. T is walking in the door as I type, so we're probably about to go on our bike ride. Yup, he just asked me if I was ready to go. :) Banana is coming by tonight (super late, by the by - all these people with terrible job hours are KILLING ME) to measure me in Spanx and see if we could even alter the dress enough to fit. Maybe with Spanx it's possible to lose the weight in time?! I keep fluctuating between "I got this - it's easy...just an inch or so. No problemo." and "THERE IS NO EFFING WAY THIS WILL EVER BE A SUCCESS - GIVE ME CAKE NOW."

"Diet" Day 1

Alright, so last night I did all my crunches!! Today I went with my lovely photography friend (I really need a better name for her...) to Kroger and got nearly $90 worth of fruits/veggies. .....now what?

Heh, just kidding (kind of). I had no idea what to do, so I steamed all the vegetables. Well, all the types of vegetables. Minus the cucumbers. And corn. I got whole corn on the cob! I'm happy about this. Anyway - I bought carrots, zucchini, squash, red- yellow- and orange-bell peppers, aaaaaand....I think that's all the veggies. Plus corn and cucumbers.

So it's gonna be cooked veggies and rice for dinner every night.

I bought yogurt for lunch. Plus fruit for snacking - watermelon, peaches, plums, apples, and clementine oranges.

And for breakfast, I got bananas, frozen strawberries, and orange juice to make smoothies. That's what I'm most excited about. After this dinner....it better be amazing. And I better freaking DROP DA WEIGHT! Actually, I don't care about weight - I just want to lose inches off my hips. I mean, I do kind of want to lose weight. But the goal here is to fit in my wedding dress.

WHY AM I HAVING TO GO ON A CRAZY BRIDAL DIET TWO YEARS AFTER MY WEDDING?!

Up ahead for me tonight: looooong bike ride with Mr. T, crunches, and....what? What are good hip-reducing exercises? Anyone have any suggestions?

Oh, and here is a picture of my "dinner". It's....it's meh.

Yes, I use Instagram. SO HIPSTER!

Wedding Dress Blues

What? You say - I thought you were already married! Why the weird blog title? Well, silly reader, EVERYONE tries on their wedding dress two years after their wedding, just to make sure their self-esteem is destroyed because of it. :P Actually, I'm scheduled to do a Trash the Dress session next Sunday. My mom brought my dress to me yesterday and I tried it on today. These glorious child-bearing hips of mine have grown a bit in the past two years, and the dress was like "NOPE!" when I tried to put it on today. Sad!

So...my awesome photographer friend (who took the scandalous pictures from before) is going to help me plan out a crash diet to drop some weight/inches this week. Think lots of fruit smoothies and raw vegetables. Maybe some white rice....lots of water. No salt, no bread, no meats... I can do this! I guess it's karma for not having to stress about fitting into my dress on the day of the wedding.

You, dear blog, are going to hold me accountable. I am going to log on every day and post what I've eaten, how much I've exercised, and....I don't know - anything else I can think of. WE CAN DO THIS! I'm going to go do my crunches routine right now. Oh, if you're curious, it's 15 basic crunches, 15 side crunches x2 (left and right), 30 bicycle crunches (the ones where you flail around like a crazy person - oh, is that just me?), and then a repeat.

I'm gonna look like this in one week's time!!!

But with this hair. :D

What??

It's Saturday, so my buzz buzz and I are going CAMPING! Here is a fun little exchange we had earlier in the week, as I was getting ready for work:

Baby. Baby. Baaaaby...

Hmmm?

Here is my credit card (to pick up my birth control), and here is a patch (he's quitting smoking!). I'm putting them on the nightstand with your glasses and necklace. I can't find your keys.

Okay. How close are you to...?

What?

*opens eyes* Oh. I was just wanting to see how close you were to being ready for the game.

....what game?

*points vaguely* This....game....? *realization hits*

Dream?

Dream.

Cooking with Mrs. Wilson

My nephew had a short-lived YouTube show called "Cooking with Sweet-T". When I say "short lived" I mean...two videos. But he was only like 9. Not his fault. I blame the parents. He made pudding in one of them. He was just stirring pudding mix. But still, probably more views than any of my blog posts. I'm positive no one would watch a cooking show I made. Drunk Kitchen already exists, and that crazy drunk lesbian is way funnier than I'll ever be. Also, I can't cook, so an actual cooking show would never work. Need proof?

I give you.....pigs in a blanket:

Step 1: Be super lazy and decide to not wrap individual weenies and strips of cheese into single crescent rolls. Also, why don't I just use hot dogs? That would be easier. I buy the tiny cocktail weenies (seriously? COCKtail WEENIES? too easy - moving on) and then get so bummed out by how annoying it is to make them I never do and then my meat goes bad (aw, yeah....).

Anyway...

Step 2: Leave the two triangles together in a rectangle (SHAPES!), and then put to square (MORE SHAPES) pieces of cheese on top. Real sexy-like.

Step 3: WEENIES! I put six to a....pig? blanket? Six pigs to one blanket? Six pigs, one blanket!! I'll be a YouTube hit after all!

Step 4: Put cheese on the dog's head for comedic value. It was very difficult to do, because I first tried to balance it on his nose, but that covered up his eyes and he kept tilting his head to he side to look at me. But then when I put it on top of his head, he kept trying to see the cheese, so he'd tilt his head back. COOL STORY, BRO.

Step 5: Suddenly you're done, and you ran out of weenies, so you ended up with a square one that only has four weenies in it and then two plan crescent rolls. You must also accept the fact that all that cheese is going to melt and make a terrible mess, so make you you've put aluminum foil down. Oh, that should be Step 1? Suck it. Also, don't you love how British people pronounce "aluminum"?

Step 6: Sing "Your Love is My Drug" to your dog while he tries to flee in terror. (Don't let him. YOU are the owner, therefore YOU are the boss. Also, decide then and there you will train him to dance to "Time Warp" with you - to further your goal toward becoming a YouTube HIT.) Take a dozen pictures trying to get one that isn't blurry or terrible. Fail on all accounts. Oh, also, the pigs in blankets should be somewhere close to a heat source.

Step 7: .................

Step 8: Write a blog about it while you wait for your husband to get home, then realize it's freaking FRIDAY and he won't get off work until 10:00 freaking PM. So....

Step 9: Get your nom on.

Steps 10-99: ??????

Step 100: Profit




(Did I do that right? I'm never comfortable meme-ing.... I'm so awkward panda.)

Heh. Who knew that was actually a thing?

Friday Tunes

Day 11: A Song From My Favorite Band

2011: "Furry Walls" by Infant Sorrow

I said: I don't really have a favorite band, but anyone that know me knows I love Russell Brand. I'm gonna get his face and lyrics from this song tattooed on me sometime in the near-ish future.

2012: "Big Bang" by Barenaked Ladies

I still don't really have a favorite band, but I've been thinking for awhile how much I love Barenaked Ladies, and how I don't have any of their songs on my "happy" playlist for some reason... So I YouTube'd them (is that a thing?), and then I saw this and then I realized I'd never heard the full version. It made me happy, so here it is.

Riddle Me This

Okay... So it comes up in my life from time to time randomly and for no reason that I reflect back on my past self. And that past self is usually me in high school. Poor Past Sarah...she was awk-ward. AWKWARD! I didn’t really grow out of it until....probably when I started dating Mr. T. Maybe a little bit sooner. I think the CS guys helped me come out of my shell. I’m not always sure that’s a good thing (Extroverted Sarah (aka Drunk Sarah) is a strange, strange creature. Huh - maybe it was alcohol that made me cool! Tell your kids! Alcohol makes you cool! You heard it here first.), but still. Where was I going with this?

Oh! Right. So. I didn’t really change a lot from high school up through...maybe my sophomore year in college. Maybe it was quitting marching band? STOP SPECULATING AND GET ON WITH IT! What is important here is that I was never, ever, ever asked out until I got in college. Never. As far as I know, no guys were even interested in me. I mean, was it because they were around for my middle school/early high school years of wearing over-sized environmental “Save the Rainforest” shirts? Because those were awesome.

My point is, as soon as I got to my university guys started taking an interest in me. I was asked out almost immediately and know several guys that I never dated who like(d) me. I haven’t *not* been in a relationship since I touched down on campus nearly seven years ago. Several of them were hot guys, too. “ARE” I mean. Mr. T is smokin’! ;) And I wasn’t a different person! I was still awkward and quiet and weird.... I’m still awkward and weird, too.

So what I want to know is...and I know I won’t get an answer that counts for anything, because no one from my hometown other than Miss C reads this, and I’ve already asked her and got an “I dunno” from her...why did no one ask me out in high school? In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter, because I ended up with the most amazing man of all time and wouldn’t trade any number of high school boyfriends for him. AND, looking back, the guys I liked in high school were idiots. But...it was high school. We’re all idiots in high school.

But that totally screwed with my self-esteem. I doubt I would have dated emo otherwise. He was the first guy that ever had the balls to ask me out! AND HE WORE GIRL PANTS. I definitely wouldn’t have dated (or at least wouldn’t have stayed with so long) douchebag had I been more experienced with guys. And I would have realized how rare super hot guy was and jumped all over that... Actually, I should have realized that anyway. PAST SARAH WAS A FOOL. ;)

Still, moot point. I got Mr. T so I’m a winner. And all you guys from my hometown are losers! Especially if you’re still in my hometown and haven’t accomplished anything in your life. SUCK IT. :P

source

My Husband

This - I wrote this awhile ago... One morning I woke up. Wow you’re thinking. Congratulations.

Yes, I woke up. I do it every morning, surprisingly enough. Occasionally I do it in the afternoon, instead. AND, since Mr. T decided to give us more room by pushing our bed against the wall, I have to climb over him every morning to get out of bed. Why don’t we switch sides? Because the left side is my side, and it will always be my side!

Anyway, I (gracefully, as always) start climbing over him, which always wakes him up, so we’re talking and then...he farts on me. He’s all “ohmygoodness I didn’t know that was going to happy - I’m sorry!” Thanks to years of this kind of abuse, I remain relatively calm as I retreat back to my side of the bed to laugh at him. After that has passed (heh, “passed”), I again begin my journey across the bed, insulting his total lack of control over his own flatulence. Only to hear him say “Don’t stay there, or it’s going to happen aga-” pffffffffffffffftpb! Sweet. Lord.

I’m really starting to see the benefits of being in one of those relationships where you don’t feel comfortable enough to fart in front of the other person.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MR. T!

TMI Baby Update

No babies this month!!

And I'm going to get on birth control again Thursday. No babies for three months!!! Yay!!

Thoughts

Good grief - I wrote this weeks ago. Sorry I haven't posted in so long. Busy, busy. I have about 5 or 6 I'll be stagger-posting over the next couple weeks. AND I have to catch up on my Friday Tunes. I missed last week. MY BAD. I miss writing....

These are my thoughts while using the bathroom at work.

• Since Zynga bought Draw Something the ads have gotten out of control.
• Draw Something takes too long to load!
• Are you seriously brushing your teeth right now?!
• I should write a blog about this...
• Will it violate my “No Doocing” clause?
• Hehe... Dooce, Deuce, poo....
• Okay, now I’m not even in the bathroom, that makes the title a liar!
• Listen lady, I’m pooping, you’re pooping - we’re all pooping. Don’t be scared.
• Oh gross - she’s pooping!
• You don’t have to try to hide the fact that you’re pooping. I’m about to do the same thing. Don’t try to hold it until I leave - we’re in this together now.
• I’m not trying to hide my poo! It just happens to be quiet right now!
• I’m not actually pooping, I’m playing Draw Something!! Don’t think I’m pooping!
• Okay, I’m totally pooping. But I’m also playing Draw Something. Multi-tasking!
• I can’t believe I forgot my phone...

So I typed in "thinking" for a GIS....and this was on the first screen of results. Come on, Google!

source

Friday Tunes

Day 10: A Song That Makes Me Fall Asleep

2011: "Lazy Afternoons" from Kingdom Hearts II

I said: Another wedding song! This is what the bridal party walked out to. Yes, another Kingdom Hearts song. Shhh.... It's so pretty!! The title is "Lazy Afternoons" and it makes me want to sit on a porch on a fall day and just chill.

2012: "Concrete Girl" by Switchfoot

Gah, high school. I just rediscovered Switchfoot, Relient K, Sanctus Real, Building 429....all bands from high school that I lurved. While it's true I don't really listen to them anymore, I used to listen to them all the blasted time. They remind me of road trips - napping on vans and buses....so that totally counts. <3 nostalgia!!

Controversey

My name is Sarah Wilson and I:

• Support the legalization of marijuana - not just as a "medicinal herb" but for funsies, too.
• Support the right for all consenting adults to marry the consenting adult of their choosing.
• Do NOT support the "right" for women to abort unplanned pregnancies.
• Some exceptions: health reasons - baby and/or mother is going to die otherwise.
• Some gray areas: rape, incest, etc.
• Am a Christian and believe the only way you will enter Heaven is to also be a Christian, and if you aren't a Christian you will spend an eternity in Hell - what exactly "Hell" is, I don't know. Don't care to ever find out, thankyouverymuch.

Any other controversial topics you want me to weigh in on? Other than mother effing Chick-fil-a. I swear to Moses I'll punch you in the tenders (heh - "tenders") if you bring that nonsense up.

Friday Tunes

Day 9: A Song I Can Dance To

2011: "Cha-Cha Slide" by Mr. C

I said: This is the only song I ever danced to at high school dances because it told me what to do. Even though I never knew how to cha-cha or Charlie Brown...

2012: "Wobble Baby" by V.I.C

Thanks to eLLe's wedding, I *almost* know the steps to this song. Kind of.

Boarderlands

I hate it. Stupid mother effing game.