July 11, 2013

TMI Baby Update

You guys...

I don't recommend birth control that causes you to not have your period. It seems great and all, until the doctor tells you "Oh, yeah, by the way - it can take OVER A YEAR for this to wear off. So, you know...good luck!" I only had two Depo shots. I was supposed to get #3 in February, but we decided to just use condoms because birth control is witchcraft and makes me moody and fat. Now we get to discover that I'm just moody and fat AND ALSO PREGNANT.

I kid, I kid. I'm not pregnant. I realized I can't make "I'm pregnant" jokes in the middle of a post called "TMI Baby Update". No babies in this womb. I think, anyway. It's been...oh, about a year...since I had a period. And I've been off birth control since February. I'VE HAD TO BUY PREGNANCY TESTS. I don't know why that's so awkward. Maybe I'm trying to have kids, you judgmental imaginary person at Kroger. SEE THE RING! WEDLOCK, B*TCHES!

Today my lower back started hurting, and then my stomach was cramping. I kind of thought I was dying. Then suddenly my brain went "Oh, right - PMS." So...I thiiiiiink I may finally be about to have my period. I have no clue if it's going to be all dainty because of the break, or if it's going to come in and destroy my life. I'm guessing the latter, based on the way I feel right now.

So...I'm gonna pass out now. Peace, homies.