March 29, 2012


I really didn't want to complain in my next post, but holy poo balls I gotta get it out. Not the poo know what? Start over.

I really didn't want to complain in my next post, but I am. So deal with it. I'm going to get it all out in one post, so it will be long, but I'll break it into three parts, so you can pick which one(s) you want to read. Also, I'm not making paragraphs. Because.

Part 1: MC
Almost everyone has already heard this story, but one more time for funsies:

MC just got news back on his thesis from Graduate Studies. Good news! No errors! This isn't a common event, so it's worth celebrating. BUT. His status? "I try to only use Facebook for important stuff, e.g. letting everyone know I just got my thesis back from College of Graduate Studies with no errors." Oh, pompous a**hole, how you doth chatter... Now, I had just been in his office, which he had left unattended - with his computer unlocked. I noticed he had a tab open on his browser involving the usage of "e.g" vs "i.e." so I was like...hehe... And commented on his post with "So is this why you had 'e.g. vs i.e.' up on your computer earlier?" or something similar (it's been deleted, so I can't verify). He responded along the lines of how he wants to make sure he does stuff right, and if anyone is interested in seeing the opposite of that (failure), a good example would be the paper I just turned in for Research Methods. andimeanholyballshowmanytimesdoineedtolistentohiminsultmyabilities?! So I got pissed, and mean, and responded with "A better example would be your personal life." OOOHHHHHH snaaaaap. It was a low blow, but suck it. He tried to come back with something about how he has money and isn't sick, etc. and so on. Something about how he had retaliated, but wouldn't say what - everyone would know when I started complaining about it. So far nothing has happened, so...whatever. Unless it is him not talking to me anymore, then...yay? And then he deleted all the comments. So la-dee-dah.

Update: The dickery hit an all-time high yesterday. He removed permissions on all my files on Ranger for everyone, and changed my .bashrc file so if I tried to chmod, vi, or vim I would logout. The level of pissed I am right now is...boiling. I *think* everything is fixed now, but I'm so done with him as a human. Find people who are willing to put up with your BS, sir. I am done.

Part 2: KC
I'm not sure if I've ever talked about KC here before. He's a student I assist. He has a disability, so I was assigned to helping him with his first few classes - get acclimated into the program. CS 1 went well - he is fairly intelligent and was actually ahead of a good portion of the class. I was only responsible for his closed labs, so I didn't pay much attention to what was going on with his open labs. I knew he spent hours in the lab working with lab assistants, and that they were going above and beyond their duty in helping him, but they were willing so whatever. CS 2 was harder, and he started falling behind he couldn't get closed labs finished in time. I tried to get him to do the portions he didn't need my help with at home between labs, but he never did. So closed labs didn't get finished. I heard from the lab assistants that he was showing up either the day open labs were due, or the day before, trying to get help. At this point they were getting fed up with it, but for the most part I believe they were still helping him. That class ended...poorly. Now this semester he's in the only other class someone with only one CS credit can take. And it's going worse than last semester. I found out he's been harassing one of the lab assistants into helping him (most of the ones from before have either graduated or refuse to help him anymore). Since she isn't a trained tutor (it's not their job - they just make sure the place doesn't burn down), there was only so much she could do to explain, and he's so frustrating to deal with she ended up practically doing his first three labs. By lab four she was refusing to help him and apparently he got belligerent in the lab. In the end, he didn't get his lab completed. So lab five rolls around and he threatens me with comments like "I talked to < adviser > and she was worried you weren't helping me enough." so I'm like...fine, I'll help you with your open lab, even though I'm pretty sure it's not part of my job description. I do classroom and closed labs. But anyway, I look through all his notes and PPTs, directing him toward the ones that will be helpful. He doesn't look at them. I sat with him for an hour yesterday and we got three lines written, and I had to tell him exactly what to type in the end. So...that's another person I'm done with dealing with. He emailed the professor and got an extension for an undetermined time period...asked me to help him this weekend. And I said "no." I told him to email me code and questions if he had any, but other than that, review your notes and PPTs. I am done.

Part 3: The Animals
Oh lawd, the animals. They're the highlight of this post for me, because as much as I hate them I really do still love them. Also, they don't know how bad they suck. The other two cases suck on their own accord. Hehe. Re-read that. It's almost dirty... Anyway - Chairman gets into EVERYTHING food-related that he can. And now I don't just have Mr. T leaving stuff out, we have Roommate. I love them both, but they gotta pick up their sh*t. Because Chairman doesn't know why I'm beating him. So I yell at him, and spank his booty over by the food like "SEE THIS - YOU DON'T EAT THIS, DUMMY!" But all that does is freak him out so he hides from me for awhile. But then it's time to feed him and I can't get him to come to his food, so Khat and Splinter keep trying to eat it. It turns into this huge mess and I hate it. And it happens like every day. One night I was sitting here on the computer and the stupid cat ran by me with a piece of bacon in his mouth. In the process of chasing him, I found a chicken bone under our bed. Moral of the story - men gotta clean their food UP. Darnit. *glare And I know I'm not done with this one. It will be my life for forever.


March 28, 2012

Mr. T

In case you didn't know what my husband looked like. This is it. Obviously.


March 23, 2012

Friday Tunes

I have to hurry, because it is almost Saturday.

I may or may not be drinking. Okay, I'm drinking. I am currently alone, but I didn't start out this way. They just all went to a stupid bar that only serves beer. I don't drink beer. It's gross. I only drink liquor. And I only drink when I want to get embarrassing.

I don't know that I was ever against drinking, but I used to at least be against drinking to get drunk. Once I started down that slippery slope called "college parties" I realized that getting drunk is fun, and drinking without getting drunk is dumb. Alcohol doesn't taste good, except with those crazy complicated girly drinks - and those are too expensive. If making a drink is more complicated than "ehhh...this much" parts liquor and " about this much?" parts mixer of some sort (usually soda) I don't usually go for it. White Russians are an exception, but then it's just a few more "ehh, this much?"'s for the extra couple ingredients. I get a little more fancy at bars, because then it's not up to me to make it taste good. I just say "pineapple upside down cake" and they're all like "mix mix mix mix - BAM" and I have a delicious drink.


March 21, 2012

The Hunger Games


I haven't read the books yet. I was going to wait until after the movie, so I could enjoy it with my Hunger Game virginity still intact. Mr. T read them...many many months ago, and I just never got around to it. Then I heard they were making a movie about them, so I was like...maybe I'll wait on purpose now. Then we found out Mr. T's cousin's wife was going to be in the actual movie! As as extra, but still. The closest to fame anyone in either family has ever had. Except for my dad's grandfather who built this bridge you have to cross to get into my hometown from the interstate. That's kind of a big deal. To my dad. Who mentions it every time we go over the bridge.

A couple of...couples...from our small group at church decided to go to the midnight showing (tomorrow night, people - it's probably too late to get your tickets!) and since Mr. T really likes them and we have a family member actually in the movie!!! we figured we should go, too. The ladies decided to get together and make matching t-shirts for the big event and due to my dread disease I opted out of getting together tonight, but asked if they'd make a shirt for me. See how I did that? I fail so hard at crafting - mine would have looked awful! BUT(!!) since I didn't want to risk getting kids or parents of kids sick (yes, I went to school today - no one cares about college kids) I didn't meet up with them. So now I'm going to get a nice shirt out of it!! Woo hand, foot, mouth disease!!

Anyway - the point of the story is: one of the ladies texted me, asking if I was team...something, something, or something. I don't remember - I never read the books so it meant nothing to me. When I told her she was all "WHAT?!?!" and then the other chick texted me and was all "WHAT?!!?!" so...I was ashamed. I decided to read the book tonight in order to not feel the wrath of the Small Group Girls as they shall never be called again. I get home and tell Mr. T about it, go to grab the book off our shelf, and discover that after months of it being in our home he had just lent it out to one of his friends this past week. So it's not here. So now I can't read it. AT LEAST THE MOVIE WON'T BE RUINED.

Oh, and here's a picture of my cousin!! She's the freakishly tall one. Seriously - she's a giant. She's trying to get in as a model (of course she's also gorgeous - so much hate directed toward her sometimes), which is how she got the gig as an extra for the movie. And of course she's the one with her back to the camera!!
And here is a picture of the bridge (culvert?) my great-grandfather supposedly helped build. Dad sent out an email a few weeks ago saying he "thought" his grandfather built it - in the email. Every time we drive past it his grandfather definitely built it. Whatever. FAMOUS.

March 20, 2012


Do you have to type a captcha to comment on my blog? Because everyone else you do and I find that very annoying. I apologize if that's the case. I don't know how to turn it off, but I would if I could. Let me know if you do and I'll investigate. I'm not nearly popular enough to warrant a large spam following. I wish I was...

Speaking of, I have a friend who said I should get my own site and not go through Blogger. Throw some ads up and try to make money on it. You think that would be possible? A wise investment? I could be the next Dooce! Tell me your opinions. AND START COMMENTING. I've been told I'm funny, but I don't buy it.


So Mr. T has been sleeping on the couch, due to my sickness. The lack of physical contact with humans is really starting to get to me, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not one that's big on touching usually, but after a week of being at home...I'm starting to lose it.

Anyway. This morning I went to cuddle with him (staying on top of the sheets, per his demands) and was all "mm" and he's all "mm" and I'm all "mm" - not in a naughty way or anything. He's just still mostly asleep so he didn't want to talk. It's kind of like cave man grunting, only softer. Well, Khat jumps up beside him and is all "mrow?" and we're all "mm?" at the same was funny. Hard to explain with onomatopoeia...

Anywhoodles - HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SPRING! I never even saw winter sneak by.



Here it is - the dream post. *drumroll*

Let's see if I can remember it all...

Dr. Jeeves came to me, and wanted me to tutor this chick in Biology, of all things. But her exam was over this novel they were supposed to have read, so it had really specific questions, like the color of someone's coat. So I had no clue how to help her, and I went back to Dr. Jeeves' office to explain I couldn't help. There were about 5 people in there, on terminals, one of whom was my friend...Exum. They were apparently creating a really crappy version of Mario using PHP. DONOTQUESTIONITITISADREAM. I asked them the name of it and they all laughed at me, like I was an idiot for not knowing it. I thought at first that was because it was Mario, but it was named something like "Flower" or something...I don't remember. It was just dumb.

So then I took that chick out to the park where my friend CK Dubtown's brother and a bunch of other people were getting together. We all sat in a circle and...imagined? I don't really understand this part. We all sat in a circle and stuff...with our minds. I don't remember what they were doing, but I walked off. I laid down on  a bench and imagined I could fly. It was pretty epic. First I had to imagine there was a track running up from the end of the bench, where my feet were, so I could get a running start straight up. Then I had to imagine wings and how to fly...then I was flying. And my body was down there on the bench and I was like...well I'm not in it anymore, so it should be invisible. And I made it invisible. So I'm flying around, and I see all them sitting there in their circle and I thought "That's not very smart - they're outside of their bodies, but their bodies are still there in plain sight."

And that's all I really remember.

Woo, dreams!


When I told Mr. T about my dream, he told me about one of his. In his dream, he bought the tattoo machines he's been wanting. Only he bought them off of his old drama teacher, and she kept them on a necklace. They were also miniature.

AND he told me about a guy who was tripping on PCP and saw a Mexican cleaning lady. She sold him the color yellow and it tasted like pineapple. So he of course got her tattooed on him by one of the artists at Mr. T's shop.

March 19, 2012

Visit to the ER #2

Well let me tell you about the last week of my life.

Tuesday night I went out with a friend with some lady problems. Didn't stay out super late, but had a few drinks, then came home. Now, I did stay up too late, because I had to be in Nashville at 9:30 the next morning to meet with a recruiter. I always get lost in Nashville, so I got up and ready early enough to get there by 9:00, in case I got lost. So of course I didn't get lost. But I won't go into that meeting. This post will be long enough without that. You're welcome.

Well, I got back in town in time for my 12:40 class. But I had a massive headache that lasted the rest of the day. I thought it was from drinking (even though I didn't drink a lot) and then waking up earlier than usual. That, along with the stress of an interview (I do not do interviews...), was enough to give me a headache. So I get home, watch some TV, and decide to try to sleep it off. I wake up around 11:00pm with a full body ache, including a sore throat. First chills, then burning up, then chills, etc. I keep telling Mr. T I have a fever but he says I don't feel hot. I try to go to bed, but when I lay down I feel like I can't breathe. So like the baby that I am, I start crying. Go back in the living room and lay against Mr. T he's like "Whoa, you do feel hot - take some Ibuprofen. I'm going to go buy a thermometer." After I take the pills I start to feel better and by the time he gets back my fever has gone down to about 102.

Mr. T's a little freaked out because I got sick a few weeks ago and it drug on for nearly a week with the coughing and hacking and such. Plus such a high he was like "Do you want to go to the doctor?" and I'm delirious and miserable so I say "Do you think we should go to the doctor?" and...well, that goes on for awhile and we finally decide to go. But the only place we know of that is open at 11:00pm is the ER. I've only been to the ER a handful of times in my life. Only twice where I was the patient. The last time was in 6th grade when I fell off a horse and broke my arm. I didn't even get a cast - I had to wear a stupid sling for a few weeks. It was very disappointing, as far as broken bones go. But I digress.

This post is boring me. I'm sorry. Maybe I've just had to tell the story so many times. But I don't want to drag it out in multiple posts, and I don't want to not post it at all... So I'll just break it up with this awesome video:

Anyway, the ER visit was a BLAST. I had a really high heart rate, so that freaked the doctor out. Then they thought it was strep, but the strep test came back negative. He said they were only 70% accurate, anyway (did you know that?), so he just assumed it was strep anyway. Then, the fateful words: "Do you want the shot or the pills? The shot is a one-time deal, but you have to take the pills for 10 days." So, you know, I don't want to be a pussy (oh, snap - bad word) I go for the shot. Which will be in my butt. The nurse walks in, apologizing for how painful it will be. I mean - wtf? I thought they were supposed to lie and say it won't hurt! 3rd shift ER nurses are way too honest. But she was right, it hurt like the dickens.

By the time we get home it's 3:30am. I email my professors and tell them I won't make class the next day because I have strep and am exhausted from being at the ER. I call Mom the next day and she's all "Are you sure it's strep? Your sister had the same symptoms before she..." Oh gawd... You see, my sister had coxsackievirus, which morphed into hand, foot, mouth disease. Her face, hands, and feet were covered in sores that she alternated between saying it felt like ants gnawing their way out of her hands, or it felt like acid had been poured onto them. And I was babysitting for her when her daughter had it, which was right when she was getting it.

I called my lovely sister and she verified that, yes, that was what had happened to her. Oh, great... But I would have to wait 24 hours before any more symptoms appeared. So for Thursday I had the hope of only strep throat. And it's sad when that is the good thing that could be happening to you. But by the end of the day I had a lonely little bump appearing on my hand. Nooooo!!!! Friday there was just slight itching. A few barely-visible bumps. It was enough to seal my fate, but not enough to ruin my day. Ah, here is a picture

But Saturday. Oh, Saturday. That's when sh*t got real. The itching. I can't describe. Oh the itching! Ants, yes. Acid, yes. Sadness, oh yes. I went to my sister's that night. Contemplated gnawing my fingers off. Well, I guess the itching really started Friday night. Because I took two (TWO) prescription-dosage pain pills and still couldn't fall asleep until nearly 4:00am. And then I woke up at 8:00am. It sucked. Then all Saturday sucked. The whole weekend sucked, basically.

Yesterday the itching stopped, but my hands and feet were so swollen and sore I couldn't bend my fingers or walk. I took pictures!!

My face didn't get too bad, but it looked like skanky pimples, which was gross. 
The sores didn't really become visible on my feet. I think they were too calloused.  Which is gross.  But they hurt so very bad.

right hand
left hand

I think these were my two "worst" fingers:

Last night I actually got a decent night's sleep! And I had a crazy dream... That will need to go in another post, because I know no one has made it this far. I woke up today and could bend my fingers! Almost into a fist! And I could almost walk! It was the greatest day ever. I still didn't go to class. My sister said that I could be contagious up to one week after the first sign of symptoms. Which will be Wednesday. I may just have to risk it tomorrow, though. Also, I don't think I'm up for walking up four flights of stairs yet...

So. We got through it, you and I. "I" being me again, when I proofread this in a second. No one else will read all the way through, including future me. To reward myself, I will post another video:

March 10, 2012

Things that make me...

...want to punch puppies.

  1. Only talking to me to tell me to vote Ron Paul.
  2. Tearing into the groceries I just bought as soon as I leave you alone in the house, Chairman.
  3. People who actually punch puppies.
  4. Blaring pretty much any type of music through your car speakers so loudly I can't hear my own music.
  5. Sucking at your job, especially when it's something like bagging groceries.
  6. Having a specific thing that made me want to punch a puppy that initiated this entire post, but being unable to remember that specific thing once I get here and start typing.
  7. Having homework due and an exam in the same class the first day back from Spring Break.
  8. Justin Beiber
  9. Dubstep
  10. Feeling the need to tell me your opinion of my hair (unless it's a compliment, of course... :P).
  11. Overuse of the phrases "your mom" and "pew." 
  12. People who give Christianity a bad name.
  13. People who judge Christians based off of the bad few, and accuse us of being judgmental. Pot? Kettle?
  14. Pulling out in front of me and then not going the speed limit.
  15. Being in front of me and not going the speed limit.
  16. Being in front of me and only going the speed limit, causing me to be upset but not really because you're obeying the law. GO FASTER, GOOD CITIZEN.
  17. Insulting the music I like. Spice Girls are playing right now. Before that it was Ke$ha, some Brittany, JT, and whatever else makes me happy - the name of the playlist is "happy" for a reason. So back off.
  18. How much I like crappy music.
  19. Asking someone for help on a list of things that piss you off and being told they don't get pissed off very often. Thanks for making me feel like a horrible person, jerk.
  20. The ads on Spotify.
  21. Being such a homebody I don't go out to see my friend at her birthday party.
  22. Trying to find a job and every posting is "5+ years' experience"
  23. Trying to find a job.
  24. School.
  25. The thought of graduating for the final (hopefully) time.
  26. The sound of bagpipes.
  27. People who post lists that go on way longer than they should.
  28. Being old and driving. You're so slow and bad at it. But I feel so guilty for getting pissed at you, because you're so old and fragile and need to get your eight million medications from the pharmacy and sometimes family just can't do it all, so you have to go out even though you hate it and hasn't Murfreesboro grown since you first moved here back in the 1600s?
  29. The thought of losing an hour of sleep tonight.
  30. The sudden realization that tomorrow is the last day of the last Spring Break I will ever have. And I never went to Florida and got drunk on the beach.
  31. Marijuana being illegal.
  32. Abortions.
  33. The fact that healthy food is so much more complicated than just microwaving pizza rolls.
  34. This list, for some reason.
  35. All the tl;dr's I'm going to get over it.
  36. Oh, and:


March 9, 2012


I've been trying to think of something to write about, and nothing ever came to me. So finally something happened and I was all - FINE, I'll write about that - and came here and opened a new post and...totally forgot what it was. Give me a second, it will come back to me.

In other news, I don't understand this Tweetster. Yes, I spelled it wrong in a pitiful attempt to be funny. Leave me alone. But for real, I don't get Twitter. What am I supposed to do with it? I have an account, but the only thing I post are FourSquare check-ins. Which I probably shouldn't use because, you know, the stalkers. EVERYWHERE STALKING. But Twitter. You don't realize it, but between "STALKING." and "But Twitter." there was a significant pause in which I signed on to my Twitter (in order to provide you with that link that might not work), noticed that the people I "follow" had posted stuff, and ended up reading Wil Wheaton's blog post. And that made it worth it. Huh. Good for you, Tweetster. Again, unbeknownst to you, I wandered off and added Wil Wheaton's blog to my Google Reader. One more thing to help me procrastinate. Thank you, Twit. Wow, from the start of that paragraph to the end, my opinion of Twitter totally changed. I need to set it up on my phone so I get tits (heh, I'm totally leaving that typo - because I CAN) all conveniently-like. Congratulations, you just witnessed my life change forever. But now, please, explain Twitter to me. I'm still confused.

OH! I was going to say that my scroll wheel on my mouse sucks. Sometimes when I click it to open a link in a new tab it doesn't work. And sometimes - like when I wanted to see Jeph Jacques' hand tattoo that he had posted on his Twit (I don't like it, actually, but don't tell him because I <3 his blog and never want to upset him) which then led me down my Twit wormhole of confusion followed by a great revelation followed by the original confusion - it will open the link twice. And I don't like that.

To apologize for my totally nonsensical and ginormous (that's what she said?) second paragraph, I will leave you with this:

Also, since it's stuck on my head, I'm going to include some Adele. I absolutely love her. I think she's gorgeous and has an amazing voice and...I totally have a girl crush on her. I drank the Adele juice and I'll never go back. But Russell Brand will always be my favorite Brit. zomg. That's what you can get me for absolutely any reason ever - including the only present you will ever need to get me to earn my undying love - good (I mean freaking amazing) seats to see Adele or Russell Brand live. Mmm... Maybe meet them, too? Holy crap, this post is now way longer than I intended.

March 5, 2012


I have been watching this guy for well over 30 minutes. And I don't even like beat boxing. I think I'm in love with a Japanese man...

This is the first of his videos I watched:

And I was going to post a whole bunch of his stuff,'s all amazing, and I think you should discover it in the order intended for you, and not for me. Except you must watch this one, too:

Now I am going to say "You're welcome" and take my leave.

(Also, watch the Nyan Cat, Pokemon, and Super Mario Bros if you somehow missed them on your journey.)

March 1, 2012


If you missed my last post (of course you did, no one reads this until I post it on FB and even then only about 3 people read it - wee!), you can click up there where I linked it, or here. Or even here. Links are fun!

I gave up saying mean things about people I'm close to for Lent. Kind of weird. But I make snide comments a lot. I never really mean what I'm saying. I consider them jokes. But my feelings have been getting hurt lately by mean comments people say to me, and when I talked to Mr. T about it he was like "I understand and that sucks...but you can be pretty mean, too." So I decided to be a nicer person.

It's hard. I enjoy being catty. And no one else has changed their behavior, so all my friends are still throwing around "your mom" jokes and making fun. It's no big deal - that doesn't hurt my feelings. I know they're just joking, so whatever. I just want to retort and can't. So :P to all of you! In the nicest way possible, of course. Now stop trying to get me to say something mean and break my Lent Resolution.

The way I see it is...there is joking mean, and then there is just mean mean. The kind of mean where you're not even trying to act like it's a joke. That's what hurts me. Constantly being told the only reason I have gotten through school is because I've piggybacked on other people's work. I will admit I'm more often getting help than giving help. But does it have to be brought up in every conversation? I chose to not do a thesis and instead take three extra classes and take comp exams. It's really stressful to think these past two years have been wasted if I fail any one of the exams (they're pass/fail). So constantly being reminded of them, and told that I am going to fail them, isn't funny. It's just mean. Asking me for help, then insulting my answers and being told I serve no purpose in life and will one day be either a prostitute or a fast-food worker...ha-ha. You're a riot.

Again, reference the last post. I don't know why this is affecting me so much these days. I'm irritable, emotional, stressed, and not happy about any of it. I'm a good person. I've made good grades. I have friends and family that love me. I know God loves me. The fact that I have friends and acquaintances out there who are telling their bosses about me, trying to get me a job, lets me know that not everyone thinks I'm a total loser. Mr. T is my #1 fan, always full of support. :) I love that man. Just mentioning him makes me smile - first one since I started this post.

I hope it's just stress from finally reaching the end of my school career. I've been a student for nearly twenty years. The thought of becoming a non-student - an adult - terrifies me. I'm also off birth control and while it's usually taking the bc that makes you all weird and hormonal, maybe going off it after two years has screwed with my chemistry. Or maybe I'm just sick of the mental abuse and want to get away from it. Not to mention my own guilt over possibly contributing to someone else's self-doubt and insecurity...

I just want all of this to be over with. I'm not sure what "this" is...but I want it gone. I can't wait to graduate and leave this place. While at the same time I'm terrified to graduate and leave this place.

A few notes:

  • I'm probably not talking about you, but you probably know who I'm talking about.
  • Holy italics, Batman - I kind of went crazy with the emphasis in this post, didn't I?
  • In before someone says "first world problems."
  • In before someone says "tl;dr"
  • In before someone says "" because no one is going to read this.
And finally, if you've made it this far, congratulations! You're a true friend! (I hope, and not just a stalker. Or someone who skimmed the first paragraph and jumped to the bottom to see what's up.) I'm trying to decide on a type of image to post at the end of every entry, just so I have a thumbnail when I put this on FB. More noticeable that way, I think. I've done a lot of cats...should I just stick with that? Or do a meme? I could do a different meme for every day of the week, but I already can't keep track of when I do product placements or music or movie that might not work.

What do you think??

(Yes, I've done this.)