August 17, 2012

Cooking with Mrs. Wilson

My nephew had a short-lived YouTube show called "Cooking with Sweet-T". When I say "short lived" I mean...two videos. But he was only like 9. Not his fault. I blame the parents. He made pudding in one of them. He was just stirring pudding mix. But still, probably more views than any of my blog posts. I'm positive no one would watch a cooking show I made. Drunk Kitchen already exists, and that crazy drunk lesbian is way funnier than I'll ever be. Also, I can't cook, so an actual cooking show would never work. Need proof?

I give you.....pigs in a blanket:

Step 1: Be super lazy and decide to not wrap individual weenies and strips of cheese into single crescent rolls. Also, why don't I just use hot dogs? That would be easier. I buy the tiny cocktail weenies (seriously? COCKtail WEENIES? too easy - moving on) and then get so bummed out by how annoying it is to make them I never do and then my meat goes bad (aw, yeah....).


Step 2: Leave the two triangles together in a rectangle (SHAPES!), and then put to square (MORE SHAPES) pieces of cheese on top. Real sexy-like.

Step 3: WEENIES! I put six to a....pig? blanket? Six pigs to one blanket? Six pigs, one blanket!! I'll be a YouTube hit after all!

Step 4: Put cheese on the dog's head for comedic value. It was very difficult to do, because I first tried to balance it on his nose, but that covered up his eyes and he kept tilting his head to he side to look at me. But then when I put it on top of his head, he kept trying to see the cheese, so he'd tilt his head back. COOL STORY, BRO.

Step 5: Suddenly you're done, and you ran out of weenies, so you ended up with a square one that only has four weenies in it and then two plan crescent rolls. You must also accept the fact that all that cheese is going to melt and make a terrible mess, so make you you've put aluminum foil down. Oh, that should be Step 1? Suck it. Also, don't you love how British people pronounce "aluminum"?

Step 6: Sing "Your Love is My Drug" to your dog while he tries to flee in terror. (Don't let him. YOU are the owner, therefore YOU are the boss. Also, decide then and there you will train him to dance to "Time Warp" with you - to further your goal toward becoming a YouTube HIT.) Take a dozen pictures trying to get one that isn't blurry or terrible. Fail on all accounts. Oh, also, the pigs in blankets should be somewhere close to a heat source.

Step 7: .................

Step 8: Write a blog about it while you wait for your husband to get home, then realize it's freaking FRIDAY and he won't get off work until 10:00 freaking PM. So....

Step 9: Get your nom on.

Steps 10-99: ??????

Step 100: Profit

(Did I do that right? I'm never comfortable meme-ing.... I'm so awkward panda.)

Heh. Who knew that was actually a thing?