September 17, 2012

Let's Get Freaky

Well this post might be awkward for some. You’ve been warned.

I’m going to talk about sex. And Christians. And Christian sex. You’ve been doubly-warned. DON’T COMPLAIN IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT AND READ IT ANYWAY. :P

So, most Christians believe you should save yourself for marriage. I always believed this. I even went so far as to not want to kiss before marriage (that went out the window when I met Mr. Sexy back in my freshman year - but I never kissed my emo boyfriend who came before him!), but I think that was due to me being upset that no one had even tried to kiss me for the first 18-19 years of my life. Like...if I say I’m saving it, no one will know how big of a loser I am.

Anywho. I can see the reasoning for that. I’ve only had sex with Mr. T (But that happened prior to our wedding day - SURPRISE, anyone who didn’t know! If it makes you feel better, we were engaged, at least...). I did “fool around” with the douchebag that came before him. I won’t go into more detail than that, for all our sakes. And I really do regret that. He has given me nothing but regrets and bad memories. So on the one hand...

But then there’s that other hand. I had a lovely, lovely friend get married. She’s much more...conservative...than I am. And her friends were even more conservative than she! So she was a virgin going into her wedding night. And most of her bridesmaids - well, all her single bridesmaids - were also virgins. For her bachelorette party they made penis cupcakes...and they didn’t come close to looking anatomically correct. And one of the girls making it was married! With a child! Blew my mind. Anyway - the night before the wedding we all went shopping together. My dear friend bought all sorts of crazy stuff. Preparing for the worst. She doesn’t drink, but she was planning on having wine. She bought all sorts of calming stuff, and lubes, and stuff to help her “with the pain” after.

It totally blew my mind. And everyone else was freaking. the. f. out. It was crazy! I was like...it’s just sex!! It’s fun! I maaaay have been drunk the first time (HOW TERRIBLE OF ME), but it didn’t hurt all that bad. I just wasn’t seeing what the big deal was. So while all these virgins were telling her all these horror stories (WTF, ladies?!?!), I was trying to calm her down. I obviously failed.

I texted her while they were on their honeymoon, to check in on “the experience”. She had totally freaked. Now, she is a tiny little lady, and her husband is a fairly large man (I can’t speak for their...intimate areas...of course, but this is just overall size). So I’m sure there might have been some size differences. But I refuse to believe there wasn’t some psychological issues as well. They’re having to go to counseling, and have been married for quite some time now - still haven’t had sex. It’s...it’s really sad to me. I mean, I’m lazy and will often turn down the naughty time with Mr. T if it’s late and I need to go to bed (HOW TERRIBLE OF A PERSON AM I, SERIOUSLY?!)....but when he does convince me to cooperate, we both have a good time.

So...what’s my opinion? I have no idea. I do know that planning a wedding is fracking stressful. I can’t imagine having the whole “I’m about to have sex for the first time.” thought looming over me the entire time I’m picking out colors and dresses and the million other things women have to worry about because men just do. not. care. I do believe my wedding was less stressful because of it. We didn’t even have sex on our wedding night! Again, alcohol was the culprit (OMG, I SUCK) - I passed out after our after party.

And maybe that’s the answer. Don’t have sex on your wedding night. Know you’re not going to. Just enjoy being together as a married couple for the first time. Wait until you’re on your honeymoon and the stress of the wedding, and family is gone. You’re in an unfamiliar place, and you feel safe and adventurous with your love. Maybe that’s my advice. I don’t know.

I do know I’m terrified my kids are going to start having sex in high school. No parent wants that. I would prefer for them to wait until they’ve found the person they’re going to marry. Definitely wait until they’re adults and know what they want out of life and a life partner. I definitely don’t want to them to give it up to people who are barely acquaintances. But do I think they’re going to go to Hell if they have sex before their married? No. If they make a mistake and have sex with someone they end up not marrying? No. I do know this: I don’t want them to have the regrets I do over el douchebag. But I also know I don’t want them to have the same experience my friend has had.

In conclusion: ...I got nothing. Well, sex is an extremely personal thing. Do what you think is best. I won’t judge you, and anyone who does isn’t worth your time.

Also, I hope that if my dear friend reads this she doesn’t get upset with me. I love her, and her situation is breaking my heart. I hope things work out for her and her husband, and soon.