March 1, 2012


If you missed my last post (of course you did, no one reads this until I post it on FB and even then only about 3 people read it - wee!), you can click up there where I linked it, or here. Or even here. Links are fun!

I gave up saying mean things about people I'm close to for Lent. Kind of weird. But I make snide comments a lot. I never really mean what I'm saying. I consider them jokes. But my feelings have been getting hurt lately by mean comments people say to me, and when I talked to Mr. T about it he was like "I understand and that sucks...but you can be pretty mean, too." So I decided to be a nicer person.

It's hard. I enjoy being catty. And no one else has changed their behavior, so all my friends are still throwing around "your mom" jokes and making fun. It's no big deal - that doesn't hurt my feelings. I know they're just joking, so whatever. I just want to retort and can't. So :P to all of you! In the nicest way possible, of course. Now stop trying to get me to say something mean and break my Lent Resolution.

The way I see it is...there is joking mean, and then there is just mean mean. The kind of mean where you're not even trying to act like it's a joke. That's what hurts me. Constantly being told the only reason I have gotten through school is because I've piggybacked on other people's work. I will admit I'm more often getting help than giving help. But does it have to be brought up in every conversation? I chose to not do a thesis and instead take three extra classes and take comp exams. It's really stressful to think these past two years have been wasted if I fail any one of the exams (they're pass/fail). So constantly being reminded of them, and told that I am going to fail them, isn't funny. It's just mean. Asking me for help, then insulting my answers and being told I serve no purpose in life and will one day be either a prostitute or a fast-food worker...ha-ha. You're a riot.

Again, reference the last post. I don't know why this is affecting me so much these days. I'm irritable, emotional, stressed, and not happy about any of it. I'm a good person. I've made good grades. I have friends and family that love me. I know God loves me. The fact that I have friends and acquaintances out there who are telling their bosses about me, trying to get me a job, lets me know that not everyone thinks I'm a total loser. Mr. T is my #1 fan, always full of support. :) I love that man. Just mentioning him makes me smile - first one since I started this post.

I hope it's just stress from finally reaching the end of my school career. I've been a student for nearly twenty years. The thought of becoming a non-student - an adult - terrifies me. I'm also off birth control and while it's usually taking the bc that makes you all weird and hormonal, maybe going off it after two years has screwed with my chemistry. Or maybe I'm just sick of the mental abuse and want to get away from it. Not to mention my own guilt over possibly contributing to someone else's self-doubt and insecurity...

I just want all of this to be over with. I'm not sure what "this" is...but I want it gone. I can't wait to graduate and leave this place. While at the same time I'm terrified to graduate and leave this place.

A few notes:

  • I'm probably not talking about you, but you probably know who I'm talking about.
  • Holy italics, Batman - I kind of went crazy with the emphasis in this post, didn't I?
  • In before someone says "first world problems."
  • In before someone says "tl;dr"
  • In before someone says "" because no one is going to read this.
And finally, if you've made it this far, congratulations! You're a true friend! (I hope, and not just a stalker. Or someone who skimmed the first paragraph and jumped to the bottom to see what's up.) I'm trying to decide on a type of image to post at the end of every entry, just so I have a thumbnail when I put this on FB. More noticeable that way, I think. I've done a lot of cats...should I just stick with that? Or do a meme? I could do a different meme for every day of the week, but I already can't keep track of when I do product placements or music or movie that might not work.

What do you think??

(Yes, I've done this.)