September 29, 2011

Choices, part two

So last time I left off at the end of my Sophomore year. I had about four CS courses under my belt and had started making friends. This is probably the high point of my CS career...

I think my Junior year started pretty good...I started getting a bad case of Senior-itis, though. Yes, a year early. Women tend to mature more quickly than men. But by the end of my Junior year I had started wondering if this was actually something I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I pressed on, however - the thought of starting over with another major and what that entailed (not graduating on time, losing scholarships, etc.) was enough to make it worth it. Besides, I now had a ton of friends in the department and really liked all the professors.

Senior year was just kind of...blah. The thought of getting a job really freaked me out - I wasn't ready to take that plunge yet. So I decided to go to grad school. I was engaged and knew once I got out of school and started a real life with a family of my own I wouldn't want to come back. If I didn't get a M.S. now, I never would. And, since I already knew the department, had friends, and liked and was liked by all the professors...I stayed with Comp Sci.

I still find it all interesting, and am amazed by what brilliant minds can do with technology. I'm just not one of them... While most of my friends find things to do outside of coursework - developing software/websites for themselves, researching developments in the field, building their own computers from parts...all sorts of delightfully nerdy endeavors - I can't bring myself to be interested in it.

I feel guilty about it. And terrified. What kind of job am I going to get? When I first started, I assumed I could get any sort of "computer job" with a Computer Science degree. Now, since I'm getting a M.S. in it, I'm feeling even more closed in by the path I have chosen. I don't know if the choices I've made are the ones I should have. But now that I have made the proverbial bed, I might as well lie proverbially in it. And sleep, dreaming proverbial dreams.

Yes, I am tired. I will take proverbial sleep if that's my only option. Luckily I have actual sleep waiting on me. T-minus 20 minutes until Z-time. Mmmm.... Oh - speaking of dreams - I had a dream a couple nights ago that a sign of pregnancy was peeing gemstones. Bizarre. Goodnight!